I woke up to my news feed bombarded with excitement over DoorDash’s newest promotion (I only follow fast food-related news because I’m a Burger Boi, please don’t judge me).

Allegedly, McDonald’s was basically giving away one million Big Macs on DoorDash, the food delivery company that nobody uses in New York because we have Grubhub and Seamless.

My mother always told me, “There’s no such thing as a free burger.” While it’s technically possible to piece a burger together with enough free samples from Costco, I’ve found my mother’s words to mostly hold true. But the DoorDash 1-Cent McDonald’s Big Mac wasn’t free; it was a penny. Could such a mythical burger deal truly exist? As an investigative journalist covering all things burgers, I decided to find out.

I made my way to DoorDash’s website, where I was immediately bombarded by a woman cheesing really hard at a glass filled with fruit water. Why was this woman so happy about a glass of fruit? I’ve never been that happy in my entire life (which is partially why I use burgers to fill the void), and here’s this woman smiling harder at a stupid glass than I ever have at anything. DoorDash seemed to be mocking me, but if they really did have a 1-cent Big Mac, I’d probably forgive them.

DoorDash

I made it to DoorDash’s McDonald’s page. If I’m being honest, it wasn’t easy to find. I expected their amazing penny Big Mac promotion to be plastered all over, but instead, they seemed more gung-ho about shilling Chick-fil-A. I had to search for ol’ Mickey D’s manually.

DoorDash

Any Burger Boi worth his mustard can eat at least 50 Big Macs in a sitting. I decided to order 100, because at only one dollar for the whole lot, it would be nice to get two meals out of the deal.

DoorDash

To my great horror, my 100 Big Mac order came out to $839.02 instead of $1. I felt misled. Apparently, when they said you could get a Big Mac for a penny, they specifically meant one single Big Mac. That’s barely enough for a Burger Baby’s breakfast, let alone a fully grown Burger Lad’s lunch.

I’m not one to turn down a 1-cent Big Mac, so I decided to empty my cart and try again with just one. Now let’s see if I can get that coveted burger for a steal.

Okay, now this really tosses my patties…

So my order total for one 1-cent Big Mac came out to $6.56. When DoorDash claimed the Big Mac cost “1-cent each (plus fees),” what they really meant was that I’d be paying full price, only in a roundabout way. How is this a deal?

On one hand, the tip is understandable. If there’s one rule an official Burger Boi always adheres to, it’s to tip your delivery guy. But even if we don’t factor in the tip, that’s $3.55 in “taxes and fees” on a 1-cent Big Mac.

I could literally walk to McDonald’s right now and buy a Big Mac for $3.99 (at least in Manhattan). Factoring in the tip (it’s essential!), there is literally no deal. DoorDash is simply offering to deliver me a Big Mac for more than the price of a Big Mac. I’m absolutely gutted. How can DoorDash sleep at night doing a Burger Boi like me so dirty? They got my hopes up with fairy tales of 1-penny Big Macs and then shattered my dreams with pictures of ladies smiling at wet fruit and a whole Big Mac worth of “fees.” Shame on you, DoorDash.

The Big Mac is a lie. Capitalism has run amuck. Perhaps my mother really was right. Burger Bois will always need to pay full price for their burgers.